


will i ever be too far away when you feel alone (no way no)

by shinelikestars



Category: Butterfly Soup (Visual Novel)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, F/F, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, high school sucks guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-07 09:18:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12838086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinelikestars/pseuds/shinelikestars
Summary: Min saw her fall when she tried to run away on the first day of baseball club. Min saw her smack into the wall when she’d attempted to escape to the bathroom on their first date. Min’s even seen her stutter through a conversation with a Stanford admissions officer (courtesy of their school’s annual college fair), wide-eyed and sweaty-palmed, and somehow still wanted to talk to her the next morning.But Min’s never seen her on one of her bad days.(aka the one where diya panics about panicking and what min will say)





	will i ever be too far away when you feel alone (no way no)

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from "no way no" by MAGIC! (because honestly i feel like that song is a clean, curse-free version of min's attitude towards diya, i mean come on "will i ever spend a day not telling you you're beautiful" is that not min w/ diya)
> 
> i know i've been on a crazy writing streak this weekend so sorry for spamming the butterfly soup tag, i promise i'm done for now! just trying to get out all my writing when i have the free time, but school starts again tomorrow sooo that's no longer gonna be a thing
> 
> side note, this takes place during the fall of the squad's sophomore year. so, post-canon, and diya and min have been dating for almost a year now
> 
> t/w: social anxiety, panic attack
> 
> thank you for giving this a chance and i hope you enjoy!

Diya knows she’s luckier than most. After all, she’s got Min-seo, Noelle, and Akarsha, who are far and away the best things to ever happen to her. She’s healthy, save for that one ear. Her family’s not poor, and she goes to a good school, although said school leaves her stressed beyond belief 95% of the time.

 

But there are days when it becomes all too easy to feel so ridiculously unlucky. They all get them — when Noelle fights with her mom, when Min just can’t seem to drown out the anger in her head, when Akarsha worries her best still won’t be good enough. For Diya, those days come when living in the real world gets a little overwhelming, when the pressure in her chest gets so tight that every breath requires a herculean kind of effort and conversation comes even less naturally than usual. 

 

She doesn’t like who she is on those days. Painfully shy, cowardly to the point where others have to question how she’s survived fifteen years. On those days, she runs until her legs turn to jelly and her lungs verge on combustion. It’s a good distraction, albeit a temporary one.

 

As she’s gotten older, her ability to cope has improved somewhat, and with Akarsha and Noelle by her side, Diya’s found that those days come less and less with every year that passes. Reconnecting with Min freshman year helped, too.

 

There’s only one problem with that. Min saw her fall when she tried to run away on the first day of baseball club. Min saw her smack into the wall when she’d attempted to escape to the bathroom on their first date. Min’s even seen her stutter through a conversation with a Stanford admissions officer (courtesy of their school’s annual college fair), wide-eyed and sweaty-palmed, and somehow still wanted to talk to her the next morning.

 

But Min’s never seen her on one of her bad days. Whether through a stroke of good luck or simple sheer coincidence, none of Diya’s classes freshman year required her to give an oral presentation, and Min wouldn’t have been in any of those classes as a new, admittedly less than impressive student, anyway. But sophomore year is a completely different ballgame; thanks to months of studying with Noelle (yeah, that was a real shock) and plenty of review with Diya, Min’s actually managed to claw her way into some advanced classes, which means they share a few. AP Human Geography is fine — the teacher’s astonishingly lazy and allows the class to operate solely on biweekly, multiple-choice tests. AP Music Theory isn’t that bad, either, though Diya has no idea how Min’s passing, since the most interest she’s shown in any instrument was the time when she suggested someone buy her a guitar for her birthday just so she could smash it (“that shit looks cool as fuck, Diya!”). 

 

AP Biology, however, is more challenging. The teacher is a CalTech grad who insists they will all receive a 5 on the AP exam in May or die trying, so of course her class is one of the hardest Diya’s taken so far. Min, in some weird twist of fate, absolutely loves it; Diya’s just grateful that she has her, plus Noelle and Akarsha, there to keep her sane. 

 

The first month hadn’t been too excruciating — just a lot of late nights studying. October turns out to be a change of tune, though, when the teacher announces they’ll be doing oral presentations that, as their sole test grade until November, will determine 50% of their first-quarter grade.

 

Diya does her best to prepare. She makes note cards, labors over a painstakingly-detailed PowerPoint for hours, and practices in front of the mirror until her brain feels like mush. Still, the pit in her stomach only increases in size as the date of her presentation nears, and the bags on her eyes darken to the point that, two days before her presentation, Akarsha jokes that she better not plan on flying any time soon if she wants to avoid an extra carry-on charge (Min and Noelle both give her a long, hard glare for that one). 

 

The night before the presentation, she gets maybe thirty minutes of sleep before she wakes up in a cold sweat. Sleep won’t come again after that.

 

So here she is, approximately two and a half hours before a presentation that’s going to have at least .03% of an influence on where she goes to college — a percentage that feels far too big for her comfort — and Diya is kind of freaking out.

 

Scratch that. She’s definitely freaking out. If her parents could hear the way she’s breathing right now, they’d probably think she’d developed asthma overnight.

 

She needs someone to freak out to, someone who can feed her pure logic and get her back from the edge of pure panic she’s currently teetering on. Thankfully, Noelle’s name on Gmail has a big, blinking green dot next to it.

 

**Diya**

Noelle I’m scared

 

**Noelle**

What’s wrong?

 

**Noelle**

Oh, wait, I think I know. You’re worried about that presentation in AP Biology today, aren’t you? 

 

**Noelle**

Seriously, Diya, don’t stress. You’ve been preparing for weeks, I’ve seen it. I’m confident that you’ll do a wonderful job. Besides, I think Akarsha is right before you, so anything she does will make you look like a genius in comparison.

 

**Diya**

Well yeah I’m worried about that, but also

 

**Diya**

What if I freak out

 

**Diya**

Min’s never seen me do that before

 

**Diya**

Like she knows that I’m stupid shy but she’s never seen me actually really panic before so what if I do and then she breaks up with me

 

**Diya**

I wouldn’t blame her I mean who wants a wimp for a girlfriend

 

**Diya**

She’ll probably find someone with like a real leather jacket and an even bigger butterfly knife collection and then they’ll go off into the sunset and do illegal things together which I’ll never do with her because I’m a loser who’s scared of everything

 

**Noelle**

DIYA. STOP.

 

**Noelle**

I didn’t want to have to shout, but you’re getting out of hand. You’re not going to panic, you’re going to do great, and Min will still be disgustingly in love with you at the end of the day, I promise.

 

**Diya**

That’s basically what you said the last time this happened

 

**Diya**

Minus the Min thing I mean

 

**Noelle**

What are you talking about?

 

**Diya**

Don’t you remember 

 

**Diya**

Eighth grade 

 

**Diya**

I got paired up with Ashley Park for the final project in Life Science and she got mono and didn’t do anything so I had to do all of the work

 

**Diya**

Then she got better but didn’t even show up on the day we were supposed to present so I had to present all by myself

 

**Diya**

And then when I was actually supposed to present I dropped all my note cards and ran out of the room

 

**Diya**

And Akarsha had to convince the teacher that I was heartbroken over the loss of my pet parakeet even though I’ve never seen a parakeet in my life

 

**Noelle**

Well, you still got an A. Akarsha was surprisingly believable, from what I’ve been told. 

 

**Noelle**

But yes, I do remember now. You managed to jump the fence to the track, and you were already running laps by the time I got to you. I was convinced I was going to be hospitalized with a case of acute pneumothorax before I could finally calm you down.

 

**Diya**

Yeah running really isn’t your thing

 

**Diya**

I also have no idea what a pneumothorax is but sounds about right

 

**Noelle**

It’s a collapsed lung. Sorry, I’ve been reading a lot of medical textbooks lately. Mom thinks it’s great preparation for medical school.

 

**Noelle**

But really, Diya, that’s almost certainly not going to happen, and even if it did, I know that Min would never judge you for that. She’s more obsessed with you than she is with those stupid illegal knives. Statistically, we’re all more likely to die from a major earthquake before Min would ever consider breaking up with you.

 

••••

As Diya stands to take her place at the front of the room in second-block AP Biology, her first thought is that Min is _definitely_ going to break up with her.

 

She manages to plug her USB stick into her teacher’s computer and pull up her PowerPoint without a disaster, so for a brief moment, it’s in the realm of probability that things might actually turn out okay. 

 

Then she pulls out her note cards, and everything falls apart.

 

“I believe I made it perfectly clear on the assignment sheet that you wouldn’t be allowed to use note cards in your presentation,” her teacher says haughtily. Diya can see Min practically snarling at the woman out of the corner of her eye. “You’ve had weeks to prepare; your presentation should be memorized at this point. Put them away, Diya, and then let’s get to it.”

 

All the oxygen in the room seems to evaporate.

 

“Um, I really — I’m sorry, but I really need to use these, I didn’t see —” She tries and fails to string a coherent sentence together, her heart speeding up to a jackrabbit pace. Her hands are shaking so badly that a couple of the note cards slip from her grasp and fall to the floor, but Diya doesn’t bother to make a recovery attempt, her teacher glaring daggers at her.

 

“Then you’ll just have to tell us what you can from memory. Now, _put them away_ before I have to take them from you.”

 

She sets the note cards down on her desk, swallowing hard at the familiar feeling of panic setting in. From her position by the door, Noelle is sending a sympathetic smile her way, and Diya’s stomach constricts painfully. This is literally her worst nightmare. This is eighth grade Life Science class all over again, but somehow even more ghastly. 

 

She does her best to center herself in front of the screen. Her arms now hang down awkwardly at her sides, her fingers twitchy and looking for something to hold. She clears her throat once, then twice, hoping she’ll regain the ability to speak properly any minute now.

 

The teacher coughs loudly, then gestures at her to start.

 

Diya’s lungs are screaming for air.

 

“The Golgi apparatus is — um, the Golgi apparatus serves as — ”

 

Her mind has gone blank. She glances over at her teacher, desperate and reaching for a lifeline, but the teacher simply stares back at her, brow arched. 

 

“The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell!” Akarsha supplies helpfully from the back of the classroom.

 

“Akarsha, interruptions like that in the middle of a classmate’s presentation are completely inappropriate—”

 

Diya silently thanks her for the out. Then, she runs.

 

••••

Min registers the panic on Diya’s face the second she sets her note cards down. She can see the taller girl shaking violently all the way from the back of the room. Watching their teacher yell at her has made her fingers itch for her butterfly knife, but she’d promised Diya not so long ago that she’d try not to get in trouble if she could help it, so she resists the urge.

 

“The Golgi apparatus is — ” Diya starts, then falters. The desperation on her face almost hurts. “Um, the Golgi apparatus serves as — ” She goes completely silent, cheeks burning bright red. Next to Min, Akarsha inhales sharply, then kicks at her desk when the teacher’s not looking.

 

_“I can tell Diya’s gonna run. I’ll make a distraction, you go after her,”_ she mouths. Min nods, and Akarsha plasters on a ridiculous grin, aiming it Diya’s way before calling out, “The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell!” 

 

Sure enough, as the teacher pauses to lecture Akarsha, Diya sprints. The door slams behind her, and a couple of girls from their AP Human class gasp. “Ridiculous,” the teacher mutters. “I’d better call Security.”

 

Near the front of the room, Noelle catches Min’s eye and jerks her chin in the general vicinity of the door — her signal. Noelle leaps to her feet at the same time that Min does. “Actually, one of us can go after her, Mrs. Neilson,” she says hastily. “She has some personal issues going on at home right now, I’m sure she’d appreciate it if you didn’t get Security involved —”

 

“I’m on it!” Min interrupts. She’s out the door before their teacher can even get a word in edgewise (the way Min prefers it). 

 

(She totally doesn’t throw _“Oh, and by the way, Mrs. Neilson, maybe try not to be such a bitch all the time”_ over her shoulder as she goes.) 

 

••••

She goes to the track, because she knows that is where Diya will be. Noelle might be the established authority on all things Diya, but there’s still a part of Min that can’t help but feel that she knows Diya better than she knows herself.

 

(Maybe it’s that Diya is simpler than her; easy to make happy, easy to get along with, and, obviously, easy to look at. Min is none of those things. She’s complicated, and most days she doesn’t really understand any of herself at all. But Diya — Diya, Min can comprehend.)

 

Diya’s finishing a lap around the track when she arrives, but the moment she spots Min, her face crumples, and every cell in Min’s body aches as she watches Diya sink to her knees and sob.

 

She runs to Diya’s side faster than she’d thought physically possible for a person of her stature. Inside her back pocket, her phone buzzes — probably Noelle or Akarsha, warning of an imminent security arrival — but Min ignores it. Diya is more important.

 

“How can I help you?” she says softly, squeezing at the taller girl’s shoulder. Even on her knees, Diya still towers over her. 

 

Diya just shakes her head, pulling away from her to bury her face in her hands. Min’s heart breaks at the sight.

 

“Please, Diya. If you don’t want to be touched right now, I get that, but lemme help you. I _want_ to help you. How can I make this better?” Min asks, voice climbing in pitch as she, too, begins to panic, though her worry is far more internal. It should be Noelle here, not her, she has _absolutely no clue_ what to do — 

 

No. Can’t panic. Gotta stay calm, for Diya. 

 

Then, a thought hits her — a memory, actually. Noelle’s said something before about Diya’s hearing going screwy when she panics, how her good ear works hard to overcompensate but then Diya just ends up overloading to the point of tuning everything out. 

 

So. Diya probably can’t hear her, but. That doesn’t mean Min can’t help, right?

 

She taps Diya’s shoulder, being as gentle as she can, encouraging her to meet her eyes. After a brief pause, Diya’s crying temporarily halts, and she looks up at Min. Those big brown eyes, normally Min’s favorite thing in the world, are glistening with tears, and Min is almost angry with how much she wants to help her. Then, she’s positively furious with how little she actually can. 

 

But she doesn’t let it show. Can’t let it show, cuz if she does, Diya will think she’s angry at her, and that’s the last thing Min wants.

 

_“Breathe,”_ Min mouths. She takes a deep inhale, then exhales slowly, modeling it for Diya — and, yeah, she probably looks hella stupid right now, but the way she looks is currently at the very bottom of her list of priorities. Conversely, Diya’s happiness is at the very top of that list.

 

It takes a dozen breaths or so, but gradually, Diya starts to calm down. Without thinking, Min reaches over and brushes away her tears with the pad of her thumb. Diya’s eyes go wide. “Ah, shit, sorry — I didn’t think —” Min starts to apologize.

 

“’S okay,” Diya murmurs, giving her a tiny smile that stirs up butterflies in Min’s stomach. “I’m sorry,” she adds, voice rough around the edges. “You probably wanna break up with me now. Wouldn’t blame you.”

 

Min nearly jumps out of her skin at the words “break up” coming from Diya’s mouth. “Are you kidding?” she exclaims. “Diya, I promise you I’m never gonna break up with you for a panic attack. I mean, I’m not gonna break up with you anyway, but. Definitely not over that.”

 

Diya’s shoulders slump with relief. “Oh. Thank you.” 

 

“Look, here’s what we’re gonna do — I’m gonna text Noelle and tell her to tell the teacher that I’m taking you to the nurse’s office. Then, we’re gonna skip the rest of second period, because you shouldn’t have to go back to class after that,” she declares. “And during lunch, I’m gonna go with you to Neilson’s office so I can stand there, y’know, all menacingly and stuff, while you ask her if you can redo your presentation, which she’ll definitely agree to because I’ll scare the crap out of her otherwise. If we have to, we’ll forge a note from your parents saying that there’s been a death in the family. Problem solved.”

 

“Min, the last time you forged something, you wrote ‘Mom’ on the parent signature line,” Diya points out. Her eyes are still red and puffy, but the half-giggle she punctuates her sentence with is enough.

 

“We’ll get Noelle’s help,” Min counters, and they both dissolve into laughter at the mental image of that. (And God, is Min glad to hear Diya laughing again.) “Sound good?” she says when they finally catch their breath.

 

Diya nods. “Sounds good.”

 

Min stands, then offers her hand to help Diya to her feet. Her boots skid against the track as she pulls the much bigger girl up, but she likes to think that Diya doesn’t notice that. “How about we go for a run?” 

 

Diya’s brows furrow. “You’re not wearing running clothes.”

 

Min shrugs. “So?” 

 

“Remember? Last time we ran? You collapsed after, like, half a mile,” Diya points out.

 

“Then I’ll do better this time,” Min declares, sending her a grin that she’s 99% sure will win Diya over.

 

And it does.

 

••••

**Diya**

Promise me you’re actually drinking water now

 

**Diya**

I’m pretty sure you might be dehydrated

 

**Min**

[IMG_3758.jpg]

 

**Min**

theres a picture since i know you wont believe me. im fine i promise

 

**Min**

at least i lasted like an eighth of a mile this time

 

**Diya**

Min… an eighth of a mile is less than half a mile

 

**Min**

hahaha ik just kidding good catch ur so smart

 

**Min**

hey guess what tho

 

**Diya**

What

 

**Min**

im produ of you

 

**Min**

proud*

 

**Diya**

Really

 

**Diya**

Why

 

**Min**

cuz you stood up to nilson and got her to agree with you. you faced your fear and i’m proud of you. you kick ass, diya. 

 

**Min**

i love you

 

**Min**

oh whoops sorry taht was for jun but like if you feel the same way totally let me know???

 

**Diya**

I love you too.

 

**Min**

HELL YEA

**Author's Note:**

> also i'm totally aware that akarsha uses a meme in this (the mitochondria one) that is from 2013. this takes place in 2009. yeah, ik y'all. accuracy??? what's that??? 
> 
> (but really i saw an opportunity for a mitochondria joke and couldn't miss out on it, my apologies)


End file.
